Christmas Event (2010)
The Christmas Event (2010) is the result of Jagex throwing every last resource into a pointless update. Want to know why the Dragon Defender looked so rushed? Why the Dragonfire Shield had no soaking? This is why, and after all this time, they STILL can't draw Santa Claus. What am I wasting my time with this week? After discarding the useless Golden Cracker you got, which was immediately seen right through as obvious bribery for when the Golden Joystick 2011 rolls around, teleport to Deamonheim. Normally you'd only do this to stamp on a retarded eyeball, but this time you've got to get back some items that Santa Claus left behind (who in the meantime tries to persuade you that he's not Santa Claus, he's just a Fremmenik, yeah, we aren't that stupid mate) ''and you have to rescue a guy called Shoeless Sam and save the Heimland Games and blah blah blah. This is a continuation of the Heim Crab 'joke'. Its only really a joke to Jagex, who seem to think low level food is funny. No one else does, but Jagex throw their crap sense of humour everywhere, even in the middle of fighting a giant fucking demon. What follows is a bunch of insultingly easy puzzles which only retarded people would have trouble with. Which explains why about 60% of the people who bothered with this event were losing their heads over it. Puzzle 1 - Memory takes brain cells...you can see the problem here. The first puzzle is in a room with 6 icicles. Click on something in the centre and a few of the icicles will light up in order. Touch these in that order and you've progress to the next room as though you'd done a moronically simple memory game. Which you have. Make sure not to walk into the pure spamming "how do I tapped icicle?" or "What have i forgotten?" Puzzle 2 - Stop, go, stop, go, stop, play another game After ignoring the idiots who persistently bawl on about how lag means they can't do this (without trying of course) ''simply crawl from one snow barrier to around while making sure a statue doesn't see you. Its not hard for fuck sake. Puzzle 3 - Seal or No Seal? In this one, you turn into a seal, and slide across some ice avoiding massive holes in it. Sounds simple but the unresponsive controls will mean you'll waste time retrying from falling in holes you saw a mile away. Puzzle 4 - Zero luck, zero skill Next room is a pile of portals. Just go through random ones until you get to the other side. Trial and error is effective enough, although tedium kicks in long before you finish. Meanwhile the chatbox is filled with rage, as people seem not to realise if one portal sends you back to the start 4 times, its not going to do anything else the fifth time, is it? Puzzle 5 - A HEIM CRAB! HAHAHA...not. Oooh, a boss battle! Well, not really. Just grab the bucket and look for a Heim Crab with a Santa Hat on to appear in a hole in the ice. Click on it and your character will try to fish it out. Hilariously this crab has a health bar, and it takes 5 hits, all while putting up a better fight than your average Dreadnaut. Catch the thing and you're done. Can I go back to my slayer task now? After catching the Heim Crab you'll be teleported back outside to return all the items you found to the 'Fremmenik' in a Santa outfit. At this point he'll admit that he actually is Santa Claus. QUICK FACT: Fish can swim. Once this is done you can participate in the 'Heimland Games' which consists of an impractical snowball fight and nothing else of any use. And then, you will realise that the "multitude of reward items" that Jagex said would be included with this event consisted of a Heim crab hat, a snowman you'll immediately throw into the Diango bin and an emote where you turn into a badly animated seal. And then, after hating yourself for wasting 20 minutes on a worthless holiday event, you'll resume your Mithril Dragon task and get a Dragon Full Helm. Now that makes for the Christmas present you wanted, and not this dismal and pointless RuneScape holiday event.